Richard's Tale
by Cel Stacker
Summary: A visit to Vincent's cave brings RJ into contact with a new friend for the family.  But can the new complications this brings be overcome?  After some rewrites, I tried to make this one faithful to the sentiment from the movie.  Please enjoy!
1. Candy from Strangers

Over The Hedge: Richard's Tale

I dreamed up Richard, but Over The Hedge characters and settings are copyright and trademark Dreamworks Animation LLC and M.Fry and T.Lewis. Also, all product placement trademark their respective owners. I feel compelled to mention also that "Aquapod" is a trademarked term to Nestle' Waters North America.

1--

RJ returned to the truck stop for nostalgia's sake, as well as food's sake, and found Vincent's old cave. Of course, it was empty, except for a few rocks, some twigs, and a "3 Musketeers" wrapper. He drew a small garden claw from his pack and absently scraped the brown dirt floor, remembering his brush with death, and how he found his new family.

Upon exiting, RJ hears a voice say, "Yeah, nothin'. Stinks, don't it?"

RJ nearly jumped out of his fur. He whirled quickly to see a medium-sized bull moose.

"Yeow! Whoa! Wear a bell or something, fella!"

"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to scare ya."

"Man! You're a tall can o' soda!"

"What?"

"Soda. Like you get from vending machines, like down there." RJ pointed down to the truck stop he was so fond of raiding. The usual machines, glass & doors replaced, stood waiting for another raid.

"Sorry, not familiar with that...whadja call it?"

"My friend, you haven't lived. I have a whole world to introduce you to! Name's RJ, by the way..." RJ held out a paw.

The moose leaned his head down far enough so that RJ could reach his antlers. They shook. "Richard. Hi."

RJ examined the antlers for a second. "Zow! You'll do well! I bet you could smash 20 machines a night with those!"

"I'm curious; what exactly are these machines you're talkin' about?"

"Ha. Follow me."

The two new acquaintances headed down the dismal hill to the glow of the welcoming security lights and bug zappers surrounding the stop. As they arrived, Richard's eyes widened, glaring at all the shiny wrappers and packages of candy and chips, flashy pictures of fruit splashed by water on the front of the soda and juice machines, and the sight of actual food behind little plastic doors that flashed numbers underneath...some 0.99, some 1.25, some 1.50.

"It's so...beautiful..."

RJ grinned his mischievous grin. "I knew you'd enjoy this!"

"Um, so what do we do?"

"Oh, just relax & watch--this one's on me..."

RJ scampered up to the machine with the small plastic doors. Nimbly, RJ flicked out a knife pilfered from a distracted cub scout last year, and skillfully whipped out a flat piece, that looked like a little file. He placed an ear to the flashing panel as he worked the tool into the side of a door, twisting his face with concentration, like a thief cracking a safe. Richard glared, fascinated, as RJ worked. The raccoon seemed to enjoy himself.

After a few seconds, there was a pop, and the small door slid open. "Yessss!"

RJ grabbed half of a foot-long and tossed it to Richard, who started as it landed neatly in the center of his antlers.

"Like candy from strangers, right? Or...something like that..." RJ chuckled sheepishly.

"Um...what's candy?"

"Oh, I have SO much to show you. Here, look at these..."

RJ went down the row of machines one by one, describing each kind of treat represented. Cheese puffs, peanut butter cups, ready-made gyros, root beer; Richard took it all in, occasionally asking a question or two. Before the night was done, Richard was well-versed on vending machines, the two new friends having split the equivalent of two foot-longs, 7 bags of chips, two candy bars, a root beer and an aquapod. (Richard could get water from the streams at anytime, but he was fascinated by the idea of water in bottles.)

"RJ, this is one of the coolest nights I've ever had..." Richard grinned, as he swished and swallowed the last of his Aquapod.

"Well, as I always say," piped RJ around a peanut butter cup, "Fun like this should be shared. You've gotta meet the rest of my family!"

"You have a family? That's nice..."

"Yeah! Only one thing--you're kind of big, and we have to get you past some...um, houses..."

Richard froze.

"Houses? With humans?"

"Hey, no sweat! Leave it to me! Give me a ride back, and I'll show you the area. We'll figure something out when we get there..."

About a half hour later, RJ and Richard found their way to the crest of a hill that overlooked the division.

"That's a lotta houses..." said Richard, with a slight shiver in his voice.

"No worries, big guy. I'll get you in. That square patch of green way over there? That's our target. Let me get some help and get back to you. I won't take long."

"Oh, take your time..." toned Richard, still sounding unsure.

Some slight misdirection and outright dirty tricks later, RJ was back on the other side of the hedge. A slightly grumpy Verne was there to greet him.

"Nice to see you back," the turtle groaned. "It's like...mid-morning! Trouble with the Coke machine last night?"

"Oh, come on, Verne, I got good news!"

"Let me guess, you found a conscience."

"No, no," RJ said, far too quickly, "I found a friend! A useful friend!"

"Nice. Another mouth to feed."

Just then, Hammie came scrambling up to them.

"Hey! Hey!"

"Hammie, not now..." Verne sighed.

"It's important! Look, I was doing my morning tree run, okay? And, and guess what I saw!"

RJ put an arm around Hammie. "Come on, Hammie, we talked about this. That's not another squirrel at the scale outside the grocery, that's your reflection."

"No, no, no! I saw, I saw a MOOSE!"

Verne glared for a moment. "Please, Hammie. There isn't a moose for miles. No moose would come near here."

RJ cleared his throat nervously.

Verne turned slowly in the raccoon's direction. "What...did...you...do...now?"

"Um...he saw the friend I'm talkin' about."

Verne fainted into darkness.

Note--Please PM to see a picture of Richard with the guys.


	2. The New Guy

2-

Verne found himself being washed away in the midst of a raging river. He tried yelling but no sound came out. There was a bright flash, and he was rocking around on his shell, sputtering and spewing water. His vision cleared to the sight of RJ kneeling over him, with Stella to the side, holding a large gourd that looked like it had just been emptied.

"Verne?" RJ ventured, good-humoredly, "You okay?"

"That was fun," Stella grinned, swinging the gourd casually in her left paw as she sauntered away.

"No. I'm not okay, RJ. I am miles away from the state of okay." Verne sat up, flecking water away from his eyes with both front feet as he continued. "I'm not even a distant RELATIVE of okay. You've brought a MOOSE...only YOU would bring a MOOSE, to...to a human housing development..." Verne sputtered gibberish for a moment.

"Verne, you always make a big deal out of everything."

"Well, you make that very easy!"

"Gimmie some credit! The raccoon is the man with the plan! Think of it as another heist!"

Hammie bounded up like a playful puppy. "Another heist?!"

"We're not stealing cookies this time, RJ!" Verne retorted.

Hammie's face fell. "But...but I like the cookies..."

Verne turned to the squirrel. "Hammie, no...that was a figure of speech."

Hammie glared for two seconds with a dumbfounded look.

"Um, never mind," Verne groaned.

Hammie immediately brightened again. "So, we're gettin' cookies?"

RJ grinned. "Even better, Hams. We're bringing a new friend into our fold!"

Spike, Bucky, and Quillo scampered up, leading their parents to the scene. "A new friend?" They chimed all together.

"Oooh, company! Do I look alright?" Penny fussed.

"You're beautiful, dear. Like always," Lou noted.

"Finally, maybe someone with some fashion sense," Heather added, checking her claws for unsightly dirt.

"Some new blood would do us good!" said Stella.

"Yes, perhaps someone who appreciates theatre," Ozzie exclaimed so dramatically that Heather placed a paw over her eyes and dreamed of being elsewhere.

"No, no, no! There's no new blood, no friends, there's no one! RJ, tell them!"

"That's right, folks! A new friend! I'll be glad to introduce him, as soon as we get him down here..."

"RJ! We CAN'T do this..."

"I see Mr. Turtle's optimism has not diminished," said an accented voice from behind Verne, who responded by retracting into his shell faster than a blink. A familiar cat appeared behind the still shell.

"Tiger, honey!" exclaimed Stella. "What brings you?"

"_Mon Cherie_" trolled Tiger, kissing Stella's paw. "I cannot ever stay away from you for too long."

Behind them, Verne's head popped out of his shell to glare venomously at the cat. "Hey! Don't do that, okay? It's creepy!"

"A thousand pardons, young turtle person. The courage of my beautiful Stella has inspired me to assist in one of your crusades. This is, if you would have me, no?"

"No," Verne said flatly.

"Aw, c'mon Verne. The more the merrier, big guy," RJ piped. "You came at just the right time, too! This, my friends, is gonna be the caper to end all capers!"

"Ngh. I give up." resigned Verne.

"Verne, you are gonna kick yourself while saying, 'How could I have doubted RJ?' when you meet Richard."

"Richard?"

"The moose. He's a great guy--soft-spoken, got these great built-in pliers, perfect for getting into the toughest vending machine! Wait 'till you meet him!"

"Why wait?" said a deep voice.

Everyone scattered, except for RJ, who just whirled around, mouth gaping for a second. "Richard! Pal! I'm impressed! How'd you do it?" RJ exclaimed as everyone slowly emerged from hiding.

Quickly, Hammie popped up from behind Richard's antlers. "Ooooh, I helped! I helped!"

Before Verne could faint again, Stella grabbed his beak. "You want another drink?"


	3. Raccoon Magic

3-

Not long after this, the gang sat semi-circle listening to Richard and a caffeinated Hammie share the story of Richard's entrance.

"It was actually kind of easy," said Richard, around an Aquapod the family offered him. "After I met your little friend here, he said he wanted to show me his nut stashes..."

"Yeah, Yeah!" chimed Hammie. "Really cool hidin' places!"

"Yup, so I followed him to each one. They're really good hiding places--behind those places where they get the food, between those...um...vending machines, did you say? And down alleys where the humans keep those big silver things..."

RJ waxed poetic. "Ah, yes. The cans. The silver treasure troves." Verne just rolled his eyes as Heather giggled.

"And we never saw any humans--well, except for one in a blue suit, with a big blue bag, driving a slow white van. He just kind of stood there with his eyes buggin' out, so we just went on by him."

"I bet he was one of the humans who deliver food!" exclaimed RJ.

"Nah, all he had was pieces of paper. But it looked like he'd leave some at every house," answered Richard.

"Yeah! Not even any cookies," groused Hammie.

"Hmmm...Humans are so weird," observed RJ. "Anyway, you've gotta meet everybody!"

After introductions all around, everyone, even Verne, admitted that RJ had found an impressive friend. Richard got on well with everyone, but he really took on well with Lou and Penny's kids, who found wonderful ways to play on his antlers.

Later on, while chatting with RJ and Richard, Verne finally said, "Well, RJ, I'll have to say, how could I have doubted you? But don't wait for me to kick myself."

"Fair enough," RJ laughed.

Richard looked around the woodland grove with awe. "This place is really nice."

"Yep," RJ agreed, "With all the comforts of home, too! A couple of creeks over that way, nice leafy canopy here, TV right there..."

"Where did you live, Richard?" asked Verne.

"Oh, it was kind of a boring green & gray forest--lotsa rocks and sand, not much water. I finally decided to up and leave it to look for food. That's when I met RJ."

"Interesting. Well, RJ is sure an expert when it comes to food."

"You know it!" RJ admitted. "Speaking of food, Rich, I bet you'd like to put those antlers to good use!"

Richard looked sideways at his antlers dubiously. "How so?"

"Well, on occasion, we hit human houses and stores for food, and I'm sure you could smash into almost anything with those."

Verne intervened. "RJ! How can you ask that of him!"

"Naw, it's alright," Richard said. "But you know, RJ, smashin' stuff would just make a lot of noise and get the people's attention, dontcha think?"

"Hey, you have a point," RJ admitted. "See Verne? He thinks on his hooves, as well!"

"Perhaps he is good for you," Verne observed dryly.

"I'd really like to learn how to do things the way you do 'em--pick locks and stuff, like you did with the vending machine the other night. That was real cool."

RJ hesitated. "Really?"

Richard nodded his huge head.

"Richard, I'm touched. It's nice to be admired for one's talents! Tell you what, I'll teach you the raccoon magic, and you could still help us out with the heists!"

Verne practically blanched. "RJ, how do you keep coming up with these things?! It was by dumb luck that Hammie managed to get him here. No offense, Richard, but you're very large."

"None taken," Richard smiled. "To guys like me, it's a compliment."

"How is he going to sneak anywhere? Much less pick locks?"

RJ took Verne by the shoulders. "I repeat Verney, it's the raccoon magic. Leave it to me!"

RJ pranced off with his new student in tow as Verne thought to himself, _Yeah; famous last words_.


	4. Critter Bonding

4-

Several evenings later, as some of the others watched a Dusty Springfield documentary on PBS, Tiger and Stella danced to the music off to the side.

"You dance divinely, my dear."

"Oooh, you so good for a girl's ego," Stella mused.

Verne wandered up from the shadows to join the others. Ozzie glanced over.

"Vernon! Have a cold one, courtesy of RJ," He threw the turtle a pilfered Snapple. "He and Richard are quite the marauders."

"Yep," Verne said, with a sarcastic edge. "Must be that 'raccoon magic'."

There was a pause as Ozzie and Heather stared at Verne for a moment.

"What?" Verne finally asked.

"You miss RJ, don't you?" Heather suggested.

"Naaaawwww!" Verne declared too loudly, then scampered away.

"Take note my dear," Ozzie declared to his daughter. "When someone says 'no' in that way, it usually means yes."

"Sometimes, I kinda thought Uncle Verne didn't like Uncle RJ very much," said Spike.

"Oh, dearie," explained Penny, "I know Uncle Verne seems upset by some of Uncle RJ's doings, and he may frown violently at the very mention of his name a time or two, but, deep down, where even Uncle Verne doesn't know it, he likes Uncle RJ very much. He just has trouble showing it now and then." Everyone else was listening about this time.

"Uncle RJ is spending a lot of time with Cousin Richard, tho'" observed Quillo.

"Maybe Uncle Verne could spend time with both of them," said Bucky.

"Little one, what a marvelous idea!" exclaimed Tiger. "I would be happy to suggest it to him."

"Are you sure, Mr. Tiger?" asked Lou. "Verne's...well...kinda crummy to you."

"Bah, he is merely insecure" replied Tiger. "It would be a pleasure." Tiger rather rhythmically paced off in the direction the turtle had taken.

Stella looked after the cat admirably. "It's so hard to believe no one just scooped him up before me."

A little later, RJ and Richard were at a new type of vending machine, just outside the local grocery, loaded with first rate treats in shiny packages. They had Hammie in tow, who stared dumbfounded at the variety of cakes, pies, chips, and of course...

"COOKIES!" cried Hammie.

RJ grabbed the squirrel and clamped a hand over his mouth. "Yes, Hammie, thousands of cookies. And if no one catches us, you can have all you want. And if you're REAL quiet, no one catches us. See?"

Hammie slowly nodded, as RJ gently released him.

"O.K., Rich, you're on!"

Richard craned his neck to the Oreo row, and worked on it's plastic door, twisting his snout with concentration.

"I'll never get tired of watching him," whispered RJ to Hammie. "It's a master artist, I tell ya!"

"Particularly considering who taught him his art," said Verne, who marched up with Tiger just behind.

RJ whirled around. "Guys! Glad you could join us! I thought you weren't really up for heists, Verno!"

"Don't ask me how, but Mr. Personality here talked me into it."

"Ah! Mr. Personality! I like that," declared Tiger.

"I'm glad," grunted Verne.

Just then, the small door popped open, revealing the way to various packages of chocolate creams and chocolate chips. "Bingo," said the moose.

"Awesome, big guy! Now that there's more of us, there's more we can carry!"

"Wonderful," stated Verne. "Let's get this over with!"

They loaded up with goods, Hammie packing most of the cookies. As they prepared to go, Richard spied one silvery, shiny Aquapod remaining in the top row. Despite his antlers being filled with goods, he still worked the top door with great dexterity.

"Come on, Rich!" said RJ. "We got more than enough for two months in one night!" The others continued away as he spoke. "Let's not push it!"

"No worries, RJ; just somethin' to wash it all down," said Richard, with concentration in his voice. RJ just shrugged, and scooped up his full-to-bursting golf bag to join the others.

Not long after that, the door finally popped open, allowing the moose to claim his prize. "Nothin' to it," chortled Richard to himself, as he artfully scooped up the crystalline bottle, and turned right around to face Dwayne, who just glared in surprise at the sight of a moose with antlers filled with candy, soda, and an Aquapod.

"Oh, no! RJ, look!" said Verne, and everyone looked at the scene from the shadows, where Dwayne could not see, with shock and dismay.

"Hmmm..." observed RJ. "I was sure we were rid of that guy..."

"What shall we do?" asked Tiger. "Our comrade is in danger!"

"Stay calm," answered RJ. "Maybe baldy's changed his ways."

An evil grin slowly spread over the former Verminator's face as the surprised young moose sheepishly offered him the precious Aquapod. "Well. I AM gonna get to ace a critter tonight."

The others looked at RJ, who grinned with a shrug. "Ha--Then again, maybe not."


	5. One Quick Hole

5-

"Come on, RJ! How about some of that 'raccoon magic' now!" exclaimed Verne.

"O.K., here's the plan, guys. And we gotta be quick!" said RJ, calling everyone together.

Meanwhile, Richard froze with fear as Dwayne brought out his customized multi-tool, which included a firing grappling hook, for instantly tying up larger animals. Still grinning, Dwayne removed the hook from the long, strong rope. "No need for the dramatic approach. You're too smart to run away or fight back, arn'cha?"

Richard looked down in surprise as Dwayne was speaking, to see RJ and Hammie quickly tying Dwayne's laces together. RJ gave Richard a knowing wink, and Richard gratefully winked back, as he side-stepped Dwayne and ran for the closest, darkest alleyway.

"Hey!" Dwayne began, but finished the sentence in the dirt, immediately landing on his nose face down upon attempting to turn in the direction in which Richard had escaped. This made him pull the trigger on his multi-tool, binding him in the rope meant for Richard.

The gang proceeded down the dark alleyway and rounded a corner, with Dwayne's yells and curses in pursuit. The exterminator himself would soon follow.

"Guess I blew this one, huh?" said Richard. "Sorry, guys..."

"Pshaw!" said RJ. "This is the fun part! We know just how to handle this guy!"

Verne & Hammie looked at one another, then back at RJ. "We do?" they asked in unison.

"We do! Can you find the way back on your own using Hammie's hiding places, Rich?"

"Well, yeah, but what are you gonna do? That fat guy is kinda creepy..."

"Ah, he won't be interested in you," RJ jumped in. "We're gonna lead him off. Meet you back in the wood!"

As Richard headed to safety, Tiger asked, "And how do we, 'lead him off', as you say?"

RJ whipped out his trusty club from his blue pack and announced to the others, "Boys, it's time this foursome hit the links!"

Not ten minutes later, Dwayne, having escaped his own bonds and righted his shoelaces, appeared at the same dark intersection, breathing heavily. He was convincing himself that the moose wouldn't be too hard to track down when he heard a chitterling and whirled to his right.

There was Hammie, dancing around and taunting him by the light of a security flooder, just outside the service entrance to the country club. "Hey, big fat stupid guy! Comangetme!!"

"YOU! Ha, I remember you! This night's getting better and better!" With an awkward take, Dwayne started after the speedy squirrel, who darted into the entrance. He fumbled with the multi-tool as he ran, attempting to get it into firing stance as Hammie bobbed and weaved over the fairways and rolling greens. Dwayne was less graceful than the squirrel, creating divots with his large, clumpy boots and tripping over every sand trap, gaining a mouthful of sand from one.

At last, as if by chance, Hammie ground to a halt at the eighteenth green, leaning against the pin while swinging his tail in a Chaplin-esque manner. "Oh, gee! I'm too tired to run another step!" he exclaimed unnecessarily, trying to stifle a giggle.

The evil grin returned to Dwayne's face as he appeared over the rise. He clomped slowly toward the stationary squirrel in a kind of triumph, so intent on wreaking revenge that he didn't notice the distant, lawnmower like hum growing closer.

"Now, I'm gonna..."

Once again, Dwayne's thought was interrupted as he was broad sided by a golf cart, driven at full-throttle by RJ.

"It's cart wars!!" RJ announced, as the roly-poly, helpless Dwayne bounced and cart wheeled directly into the path of another speeding cart, driven by Tiger. WHACK! Dwayne snowballed in a new direction.

"Tally-ho!" cried the cat, enjoying the sight.

"Your shot, Vern-o!" declared RJ, as the humiliated Verminator careened toward the space between two trees. Verne burst through this space into the clearing on his own cart.

"ThisiscrazythisiscrazythisisCRAZY," chanted Verne, unaware of the impact when it happened, which sent Dwayne airborne. He landed with a splash in the nearest water hazard, sending up a mushroom cloud of water and foam, and scattering shoots and lily pads in his awesome wake.

"Yeah! Hole in 3 on a par 5! That's an eagle!" RJ yelled. He and Hammie danced ring-around-the-rosy on the 18th pin as Tiger admitted, "Truly, a work of art, RJ."

"Yeah, great," mused Verne, staggering up to them. "Now can we get out of here before all the humans who heard us get here?"

"Verne," RJ congratulated the turtle as they started away. "Awesome shot! That was one for the records!"

"Well...thanks," Verne softened. "You know what? It was kind of fun, in a bone-jarring way." behind them, the semi-conscious ex-Verminator floated in the small lake, as a toad hopped onto his face and croaked a quizzical croak.

The next morning, the gang managed to catch the report of Dwayne's capture on the news. The reporter's voice was heard behind images of the ruined area of the course and Dwayne being loaded into an ambulance, a Lilly pad adorning his head. "The evidently intoxicated man was found amidst the havoc by country club security, identified as a former employee of the former Association administrators for the area. Police cite revenge as a motive for the vandalism."

"See?" RJ presented. "Nice and neat."

"I have to say again," Verne nodded. "How could I have doubted you, RJ?"

"Honey, I am SO proud of you!" Stella squealed, throwing herself into Tiger's arms and planting a big kiss on the cat. Stunned, Tiger reasoned, "I believe I shall take up golf officially..."

Richard sat by, still somewhat melancholy. "I promise though, guys, I'm gonna be less interested in these water bottle thingys."

"Bravo! A noble aim, Richard," observed Ozzie.

"Yeah, big guy! But remember, you don't have to give up something you love totally!" RJ offered.

"Glad to hear it...'cause I don't think it's gonna be easy..." Richard admitted while leaning against his own log, stocked full of glistening Aquapods.

THE END


End file.
